


Thieves Work Alone (But You're My Ticket Home)

by wendybirb



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M, Secret Santa, Stick of Truth AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-25 23:29:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13223499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendybirb/pseuds/wendybirb
Summary: Craig hates scavenger runs. It takes a short, blonde barbarian with a keen set of skills to change that.





	Thieves Work Alone (But You're My Ticket Home)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a creek secret santa gift for tumblr user clydeinspace. I hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> Check out all the wonderful submissions @creek-secretsanta!

Scavenger runs. If there was one thing Craig hated more than anything in the universe, it was scavenger runs. He was the best thief the grand wizard had. He should at least be sent into the cities during raids, but no. The grand wizard played favorites, so Craig, also known by the Kingdom as Feldspar, was doomed to a lifetime of nothing but solo scavenger runs. 

Craig scowled as he settled down on a sturdy branch in a tall pine and scanned the surrounding area. The forest surrounding the Kingdom was filled with nothing but bands of elves, who often had nothing to scavenge other than intricate wooden weapons, and the occasional group of barbarians. 

Craig didn't know much about the barbarians, only what the grand wizard had told him, but Craig knew one thing for sure. The grand wizard was full of shit. He didn't doubt that the barbarians relied on body paint, it was good camouflage after all, but he sincerely doubted the wizard's claims that a rogue barbarian could snap a man's spine in half with his bare hands. Not that he wanted to test the theory for himself, but still. 

Craig started at the sound of a branch snapping from somewhere behind his position. He twisted slowly, swinging one leg over the branch he was seated on and peering down through the gaps in the needles. He saw nothing on the forest floor and was about to dismiss it as a deer when a rock went whizzing past his head, startling Craig and almost sending him tumbling to the ground. 

"Who's up there?" Craig heard. He looked down toward the ground again but still couldn't see anyone. "I can see you!" the disembodied voice called again. 

Not wanting to take a rock to the temple, Craig swung his other leg over the branch and started a slow descent. "Hold on, asshole. I'm coming down." 

Craig shimmied his way down the branches and dropped to the ground, subtly fingering the blade he kept hidden by his rib cage. 

"Put your hands where I can see them!" the stranger yelled as another rock went flying past Craig's ear. 

"Alright, alright. Damn," Craig said and quickly raised his hands. He was still at a disadvantage here, his back turned to the stranger and his weapons still sheathed. 

"Turn around," the stranger demanded. 

Craig turned slowly, coming face to face with one of the barbarians the wizard had told him so much about. Craig had to stifle his laughter at how underwhelming the barbarian turned out to be considering he still had a loaded slingshot aimed at his face. He had the body paint the wizard had described, but he looked nowhere near strong enough or big enough to even consider snapping Craig's spine. He was at least a couple heads shorter than Craig and made of nothing but lean muscle. 

"State your business," the barbarian said, keeping the slingshot aimed but maintaining his distance. 

"What are you? Gatekeeper of the forest?" Craig shot back then promptly clamped his mouth shut as the barbarian pulled the slingshot tighter. "Fine, I was sent here to scavenge for supplies."

"Who sent you?" 

"The Grand Wizard of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep," Craig responded. "Can I put my arms down now?"

The barbarian slowly released the tension in the slingshot, lowering it down to his side. "I suppose," he said. "The Kingdom has never given my people trouble."

Craig dropped his sore arms back to his sides. "Yeah, we tend to steer clear. The only people we do battle with are the elves," Craig clarified, although he couldn't really remember himself why the Kingdom did battle with the elves and hoped the barbarian wouldn't ask. All he knew was that it began as a generations old grudge between a former grand wizard and the king of the elves at the time. 

The barbarian stuck his slingshot back in its holder and stepped closer to Craig. "When are you due to head back?" 

Craig peered up through the trees at the sky, attempting to spot the position of the sun. "Soon, most likely." The wizard would be mad that he was coming back empty handed, but as far as Craig was concerned, the wizard could eat a dick. 

"I want you to take me with you," the barbarian said suddenly.

Craig furrowed his brow, sure he had heard wrong. "Excuse me?"

"I want to go back to the Kingdom with you," the barbarian repeated. "I've left my home, and I don't want to stay in the forest alone anymore."

"Okay, back it up a second. You almost shot me in the head with a rock and now you want me to take you back to the Kingdom with me? I don't even know anything about you."

"My name is Tweek. Up until a few days ago, I lived with a band of barbarians just over that mountain," Tweek gestured vaguely to the left. "I left them of my own accord with a plan to travel to the Kingdom, but I knew if I went alone, I would probably be killed on sight."

Craig didn't think bringing a living barbarian back to the Grand Wizard was a good idea, but he had been doing the wizard's dirty work for too long. Thieves work alone, but Craig was also sorely in need of some company, and he couldn't deny that his new companion was fairly attractive. "Fine, come on then," Craig responded before turning around and heading back the way he had come. 

He listened closely for the sound of the creek he had used to mark his position and followed the path, watching for the markers he had left behind on his way through. 

It seemed like hours had passed with only the sounds of crunching footsteps and the calls of various animals. Craig almost jumped out of his skin when Tweek spoke again. 

"What's your name?"

"Feldspar," Craig answered.

"What kind of name is Feldspar?" Tweek asked, speeding up a bit so he was side by side with Craig. 

"What kind of name is Tweek?" Craig shot back. "My real name is Craig," he added, his eyes scanning the treeline for any movement. 

"Craig," Tweek repeated, like he was testing the name out. Craig kind of liked the way it sounded in Tweek's voice. "So what do you do in the Kingdom?"

"I'm the best thief in the Kingdom," Craig answered, hoping the answer would impress his companion. 

"Is that why you were sent to the forest alone to scavenge for non-existent supplies?" Tweek snarked, and Craig snorted in reply. 

"Must be," he said then stopped, holding an arm out to halt Tweek's movement. There was rustling in the bushes off to the left of them. 

"I heard it," Tweek whispered, an axe already in his hands. "I'll check it out."

He started moving before Craig could even reply, keeping low and stalking over to the moving bushes. He managed to flank the bushes before moving in, his axe raised in front of him. Craig moved in from the other side, his daggers drawn and ready. He was about to ask if Tweek could see anything when an arrow flew past his head, the sound of it whistling in his ear, and embedded itself in Tweek's arm. Tweek cried out in pain but managed to dodge the next one. 

"It's a distraction!" Tweek called, something Craig already knew. 

"Fucking elves," Craig hissed and bolted over to where Tweek was taking cover. He had a hand clamped around the arrow stuck in his bicep, his teeth gritted in pain. 

Craig grabbed the arrow suddenly and snapped off the end, mildly impressed when Tweek didn't make a sound. 

"We'll have to fight our way out of here," Tweek whispered, his axe gripped tightly in his hands. 

"Are you crazy? We can't go against a band of elves alone," Craig whispered back. He had run against elves before, and he knew they roamed in groups. They were proficient with ranged weapons, and a good deal of them had magic on their side. He knew the only way to win against them was to run. 

Tweek hummed, but he wasn't looking at Craig, rather, he was looking around at their surroundings, his eyes darting around. He turned back to Craig suddenly, a determined look on his face and pointed toward a large oak tree on the other side of the clearing then to a cluster of bushes off to the left then to a spot near the river where the forest floor sunk into a ditch. 

Craig looked where Tweek was pointing then back to Tweek. "That's all of them?" 

Tweek nodded. "This isn't a true band. They must be scouts. They spread out like that to give the illusion that there's more of them."

"I've got the one in the ditch," Craig answered, his daggers ready. 

"I'll get the one in the bushes," Tweek said with a nod. "Watch the one in the tree. She has good aim." 

Craig glanced at the arrow still embedded in Tweek's arm then snuck out of cover, keeping inside the tree line as he traversed the edge of the clearing toward the river. He kept an eye on the elven woman in the tree. Her eyes hadn't left their previous hiding spot, Craig was happy to note. He kept on his route and managed to slide down the embankment a ways down from the hidden elf, who was lying on his stomach with an arrow ready. 

Craig crept up behind the elf and pressed his dagger to the back of his neck. "Lower your weapon and turn over," he demanded in a low voice.

The elf startled badly but managed to loosen the tension in his bow, rolling over onto his back. He stared up at Craig with wide, frightened eyes. The eyes of a child. 

Craig swallowed around the lump in his throat and slowly lowered his weapon. "How many did you come here with?" 

"Just mother and father. We were hunting for food and thought we were under attack by the barbarians again," the child answered, his eyes filling with tears. 

Craig felt his blood run cold and pulled the child to his feet. "Go to your mother. We aren't here to attack. We're just passing through."

Craig helped the child back up the embankment before climbing up himself and taking off through the clearing toward where Tweek had pointed out the last elf. He saw the woman climbing down from the tree to get to her child and hoped he wasn't too late. 

He leaped over the bushes and skidded to a halt, his heart leaping into his throat at the sight of Tweek on top of the elven man, his axe raised high and ready to come down and snuff him out. 

Craig managed to snag the axe out of Tweek's hands before he could move, stepping back out of range when Tweek spun around with his fists raised. 

"What are you doing?" Tweek yelled, his weight still resting heavily on the elves man's chest. He looked frightened just like his son had. 

Speaking of, Craig heard the sounds of the mother and son approaching and quickly tugged Tweek up off the man, keeping hold of his axe just in case. 

"They're a family, not one of the king's bands. They were just hunting for food and thought we were attacking," Craig explained in a rush, watching as Tweek's hard look melted into one of a mixture of horror and relief. He looked back to the man who was now standing and brushing himself off. 

"I'm so sorry!" Tweek said, his hands gripping the leather strap of his holster tight. "I didn't know. I thought you were attacking us."

The man saw his family round the tree and went to them, checking them over for injuries but finding none. "No harm done," he said then looked at the bleeding wound on Tweek's arm. "Except for that," he amended. 

"I can take care of that," the elven woman said and held a hand out for Tweek as a gesture of trust. He took it and followed her over to a fallen log so she could begin her work. 

She took her time removing the arrowhead and stitching up the wound while Craig and her son watched, Craig and Tweek swapping stories about their homes with the family. It didn't take long before Tweek was all stitched and bandaged, the family offering to lead them to the edge of the forest closest to the Kingdom. Craig and Tweek happily took the offer, hoping to avoid another attack. 

Craig kept close to Tweek as they walked. "You know, you were pretty good back there. I don't think I'll have a hard time selling your skills to the Grand Wizard," he said. 

Tweek looked up at him and smiled. "Did you ever doubt me?" 

Craig smiled back and wrapped an arm around Tweek's shoulders. "My only problem now is how I'm going to explain to the Wizard that I'm coming back with a barbarian and no supplies."

"Supplies?" the elven man said from up ahead. "What were you looking for?" 

Craig shrugged. "The Wizard is always vague. 'I don't care what you bring back, asshole. Just make sure it's worth something,'" Craig said in a near perfect impression of the Wizard. He knew none of his companions would get the joke, but it made him feel better none the less. 

The man chuckled anyway and slowed down so he could walk near Craig, pulling a pouch off his belt and holding it open for Craig to peer in. It was full of bright, glittering gems. 

The man closed the pouch then handed it over to Craig. "Now you won't need to worry."

"I couldn't take all of these," Craig said, the pouch heavy in his hand. 

"Of course you can. They look expensive, but they're worth nothing," the man said, a touch of humor in his voice. "It's an old elven trick. We sell these stones in human markets all the time for much more than they're worth. Humans are easily tricked by shiny, pretty things. No offense to you."

Craig smiled and shook his head. "None taken. Thank you."

The man nodded then came to a stop. "This is as far as we can go, stranger," he said and took his son's hand. "Take care of yourselves."

"You too," Tweek said then turned to Craig. "Are you ready?"

Craig nodded and walked slightly ahead of Tweek, leading him through the gate and straight to the Wizard. It took the entire pouch of worthless gems and a show of Tweek's strengths, but he managed to convince the Wizard to allow Tweek to stay in the Kingdom, and it wasn't longer than a month before he started sending Tweek with Craig on his no longer solo scavenger runs. 

Craig was perched up in a pine tree again, scanning the edges of the clearing nearby as Tweek scouted from the ground. 

"I got something!" Craig heard and quickly shimmied his way back down the branches. Tweek was already at the base of the tree, his arms loaded with expensive looking armor. "There was an abandoned encampment around that bend." 

Craig grabbed some of the pieces from Tweek and smiled. "Good. Let's take some now then grab the rest next time."

Tweek nodded his agreement then stepped a bit closer. "There is one more thing," he said, his voice dropped to a low whisper, and got on his tiptoes, leaning over the heavy armor they were both holding to press a kiss to Craig's lips. Craig kissed him back, trying hard not to ruin the kiss by smiling. 

He smiled for real when Tweek pulled back, his cheeks slightly reddened around the edges of the paint he insisted on still using. 

"What was that for?" Craig asked, sure his face wasn't faring much better. 

"It just felt right," Tweek said with a shrug then turned to head back the way they came. 

Craig stood in place and watched him for a while, thinking about how they were heading back to the Kingdom, their home, together. His heart was thudding in his chest, and he felt light all over. He knew there was only one explanation. 

"You coming?" Tweek called over his shoulder after a moment. 

Craig snapped out of his thoughts and nodded, unable to wipe the smile off his face as he hurried forward to catch up with his companion. 

Craig used to hate scavenger runs more than anything. Now, he had come to love them.


End file.
